The following is my trial by loneliness. It is a Saturday afternoon, the best day of the week, and I have spent the better part of it feeling extremely lonely and homesick. I am trying to exam the cause and depth of my emotions and introspect if my behavior is rational or irrational.
There are times when loneliness consumes me. There is some minor incident that triggers this, such as a friend missing an appointment. What it leads to is always the same, I say to myself "I don't need anybody, I don't need them, I am independent and self sufficient". This fuels my loneliness further because I don't reach out to anyone. I just sit there, knowing I am lonely, yet willing to do nothing about it.
Thoughts plague my mind. I want to speak but I don't speak, I don't want to be alone but end up being alone. The fault lies in me and yet I blame others. I push people further away. The inner struggle gets the better of me and I get swept away in a current of emotions.
But does is such loneliness do any good? Loneliness does bring to your notice the good things in life that were probably not being appreciated. But being lonely to prove a point, to yourself or to others, is senseless. People are the way they are, driven by random thoughts that are manipulated by their even more random emotions. They intend to do something and end up doing something else. In that sense they can't really be blamed for any misgivings. And people can't really be changed, no matter how much you may want or try to change them. They may realize or be apologetic, but similar circumstances will inevitably come up again with the same people. As I said, people are who they are.
So have I given up? Am I trying to make myself adjust to this hard truth? Is this why I don't voice my needs? I don't know, I am not sure. It is difficult to think clearly or to be certain of anything that is going on in my mind. What I do know as a certainty is that I have a good life and some good people around me. Problems, conflicts, confusions, intrusions, everything is part of interacting with those around you in an attempt to know more about others and know more about yourself. What is needed is an open mind, open to self criticism, open to the realize the truth about yourself, no matter how hard it may be.
I am feeling much better now, I think I will go out and watch the rain.
There are times when loneliness consumes me. There is some minor incident that triggers this, such as a friend missing an appointment. What it leads to is always the same, I say to myself "I don't need anybody, I don't need them, I am independent and self sufficient". This fuels my loneliness further because I don't reach out to anyone. I just sit there, knowing I am lonely, yet willing to do nothing about it.
Thoughts plague my mind. I want to speak but I don't speak, I don't want to be alone but end up being alone. The fault lies in me and yet I blame others. I push people further away. The inner struggle gets the better of me and I get swept away in a current of emotions.
But does is such loneliness do any good? Loneliness does bring to your notice the good things in life that were probably not being appreciated. But being lonely to prove a point, to yourself or to others, is senseless. People are the way they are, driven by random thoughts that are manipulated by their even more random emotions. They intend to do something and end up doing something else. In that sense they can't really be blamed for any misgivings. And people can't really be changed, no matter how much you may want or try to change them. They may realize or be apologetic, but similar circumstances will inevitably come up again with the same people. As I said, people are who they are.
So have I given up? Am I trying to make myself adjust to this hard truth? Is this why I don't voice my needs? I don't know, I am not sure. It is difficult to think clearly or to be certain of anything that is going on in my mind. What I do know as a certainty is that I have a good life and some good people around me. Problems, conflicts, confusions, intrusions, everything is part of interacting with those around you in an attempt to know more about others and know more about yourself. What is needed is an open mind, open to self criticism, open to the realize the truth about yourself, no matter how hard it may be.
I am feeling much better now, I think I will go out and watch the rain.
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